BY MRS PIP TURNER

This article first appeared in Queenwood Weekly News on Friday 20 September 2024.

Belonging is a fundamental human need. How can we help our girls feel needed, rather than needy? Two of the social-emotional capabilities that Queenwood aims to develop are independence and agency. Many of the staff have recently read Jonathan Haidt’s book, ‘The Anxious Generation’. Whilst the focus of this book is on phone and social media use, it highlights what parents and schools can do to help our children recover precious time, attention, learning, connection, and physical and mental development, that have been dramatically reduced since the introduction of the smartphone.

One suggestion of Haidt’s is to implement ‘projects’ that increase children’s sense of competence and independence. Independence, and with it manageable or safe risk-taking, are needed for children to overcome normal childhood anxieties and develop into healthy adults. But well-intended ‘helicopter’ parenting has limited these experiences for powerful learning and growth.

Daisy Turnbull supports risk-taking in her book ’50 Risks to Take with your Kids’. Turnbull proposes that when children face risks, they get four ‘rewards’ for every challenge attempted:

1. A boost of confidence that their parents have faith in them
2. Discovering that fear is often just anticipation and not necessarily something to worry about or to avoid
3. Learning to cope when things do not work out as hoped
4. And increased confidence for parents around the benefits of risk-taking as they play a part in exponentially building children’s future confidence and capabilities.

Plus, this can be valuable bonus time when children are not on devices!

Initiatives such as America’s Let Grow Project look at increasing parent willingness to trust their children and grant them valuable autonomy. Children are asked to ‘do something they have never done before, on their own’, after reaching an agreement with their parents about what that is. These projects include tasks like ‘cook a meal for the family’, ‘walk the dog around the block on my own’, ‘be in charge of the washing for a whole week’, ‘make your school lunch all my yourself every day’, and ‘volunteer to do a job for a neighbour’. Incentives that spur greater child autonomy, freedom and reduced parent ‘intervention’ have also been the topic of discussion by research psychologists Jean Twenge and Judith Locke, and author Lenore Skenazy.

This term, Year 5 participated in a Queenwood version of the Let Grow Project. Each week, the girls picked a ‘project’ that they had never done before, on their own. They discussed their project with their parents to come to an agreement about what felt appropriate.  The project has been tremendously successful to date and the feedback is evidence of how much the girls, and their families, learned about their capability! The results are proof in the pudding that our girls can usually do much more than we let them! When we give children trust, they soar.

Here’s what surprised the girls:

• Making my parents proud but it made me proud and a better person. I would like to say thank you for pushing me out of my comfort zone and making me take more risks. Chloe M
• How rewarding it felt once you had completed a task you didn't know you could do. Cordelia
• It felt really good. Like freedom was washing over me. Sybil
• The amount of courage that was hidden inside of me. I never knew I had the courage to complete hard activities by myself. Mia R
• Now I feel like I do not always need someone looking over my shoulder and helping me all the time. Olive

And here’s what surprised parents:

• She was excited about undertaking her task, but also nervous as she was undertaking all aspects by herself. I think the realisation that it all came down to her made her very focused and gave her a real sense of accomplishment.
• She's very capable and can easily do more.
• How she was so easily able to navigate through this and how much joy it brought her!
• This is a great project that has allowed her to grow in confidence. At the same time, it has shown that other parents also encourage independence in their girls. I'd love to keep this project going!

The Year 5 Independence Project at Queenwood has been a resounding success, showcasing the remarkable capabilities of our students when given the opportunity to step out of their comfort zones. Through hands-on experiences and risk-taking, the girls have gained confidence, resilience, and a stronger sense of agency. The feedback from both students and parents highlights the value of fostering independence, reinforcing the idea that with trust and encouragement, our girls can achieve more than they ever imagined.